King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
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Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit