My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Boom, boom, ching!
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.