Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn