boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
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me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.