@Andee_Stewart: I always close the door to the bathroom even if I'm home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
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@shellyspivey: "I wanna know who is responsible for this!" nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
@UNTRESOR: "Sorry, boss. I can't come in today." "Why not?" [fakes a sore throat] "I'm in jail for vehicular manslaughter."
@Reverend_Scott: [1st day as police officer] PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET'S ROLL! ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.