I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
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U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My current situation
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.