@Stellacopter: I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don't want to be there.
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@ThePawfessor: eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
@ValeeGrrl: Husband said, "If you were really THAT funny you wouldn't have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY." So now I have a tombstone to select
@foodfacenow: *At restaurant trying to impress date* Me: How are these prepared? Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave. Me: Excellent.