I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
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ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
dutch is not a serious language
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
What an awful time to have common sense.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy