I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
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No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman