I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Not all heroes wear capes…
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.