I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
You Might Also Like
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.