No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.