@Kennedydp5: I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
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@timdonakowski: Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don't know about you but I've never, ever washed my belt.
@nefariousPeterD: Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile
@timmartinwhy: WHAT I ORDER: French toast WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die
@RelatabIe: whenever my mom criticizes me i yell “it’s probably genetic” and run out of the room as fast as i can