I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
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1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.