I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
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Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.