I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
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ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!