Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
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Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor