my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
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If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated