I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me irl
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.