@TheBoydP: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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@kiel_phillips: ME: I'd like to return a defective boomerang SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it? ME: I have no idea
@FunkyFresh_79: [on a first date] Ok, don't let her know you're really a squirrel... Her: I had a great time, good night! Me: *runs in front of her car
@PaperWash: Mario Kart: 1) stays in first place for 3 laps 2) gets passed by 5 people at last second 3) slams controller 4) quits job 5) divorces wife