@TheBoydP: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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@jwoodham: Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I'm running late to a concert and I'm the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
@TheTimmyToes: me: how much per hour? babysitter: $15 me: okay here's $2.37 million see you in 18 years
@ThisLocalHater: The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.