@TheBoydP: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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@trevso_electric: When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that "totally weird" text you got from your ex last night.
@daemonic3: JESUS: [walks on water] JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it's only 40% miracle JESUS: You're killing me, Judas JUDAS: Actually..
@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy, do you like princesses?" "Yes." "Why?" "Well usually they have a nice set of ti-" Wife: "Shut it." "I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON."
@Dawn_M_: A guy told me I'm bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.