I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?