i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
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Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing