i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
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There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Livid.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.