@OpieDokey: I always get a "Yes" from women, but it's usually followed by "That's him, officer."
@prodigalsam: Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.
@dlockw21: Don't give her a Fitbit for Mother's Day. I repeat, don't give her a Fitbit for Mother's Day.
@NotARatsAss: My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.
@ImaFlyontheWall: True...so damn true
@jake_likes_naps: "WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES" - Worms