@OpieDokey: I always get a "Yes" from women, but it's usually followed by "That's him, officer."
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@nonsensetwit: My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying "try again bro."
@d_duhwit: Judge:"Since we can't prove who's baby it is we will ... cut the baby in half Worm Mom 1:"Sure Worm Mom 2 :"Ya do it.
@MeetYourDaddy: Forget waterboarding. You want confessions? Lock the guy in a room with a laptop, a Twitter account and a bottle of whiskey.