technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
good morning
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.