@OpieDokey: I always get a "Yes" from women, but it's usually followed by "That's him, officer."
@MustBeTheMeds: they can't date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
@megfraser: Inspired by Baby Jesus, I'm hoping to get nailed this weekend.
@TeaAndCopy: WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
@DaddyJew: There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren't good with numbers
@iscoff: "Are you pro gay?" he asked. "Amateur at best," I replied