@TEXASVETERAN: I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You'd have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.
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@Brampersandon_: [office meeting] BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs? SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y'all lookin' at me?
@krismuscookie: *With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare* Boss: What are you doing? Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*
@SteveHofstetter: Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire - to be water resistant.
@imadepoopstoday: "Pull my hair, slap me, call me dirty names" - WTF? I've been doing this since kindergarten and always got yelled at.