“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.