When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
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People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
wut hotdog?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
(2022)
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
*looks at you in batman voice*
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
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national guard phone #
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.