wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
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You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[the middle of showering] I need a break
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”