OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
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The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see