I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
You Might Also Like
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)