I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
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[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
😅🤣😂
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.