I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
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How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’