I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?