ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?