Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
You Might Also Like
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner