@nigelgodwin: I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
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@rickolantern: Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
@bourgeoisalien: When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.
@sarcasm_inc: "2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN'T HAVE FITTING ROOMS," I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.