I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
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[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
are there any atheist mantises?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too