@_xLNc: I always have too much month left at the end of my money.
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@Jake_Vig: No, no, no, you don't have to engage in a long explanation of why you're single. We've spent five minutes together, I think I've got it.
@davidkenny100: "The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked" I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache
@LifeUnPinterest: All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
@TheSwanDon: So my dad was all "stop eating my pills" and then I was like "stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp"