Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
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I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.