A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
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Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I’m listening
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods