I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.