I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
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The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My background check bounced.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Kidney stones? Hard pass
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.