@leontymccarthy: I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
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@DanMentos: ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
@david8hughes: [family game night] Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now? Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
@lordratsquirt: Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it's better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.