*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
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Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My circle of trust is a meatball
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.