When ur friends with white people
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*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
This hospital has everything
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils