Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
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Just why bro?!
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
when nothing goes right… go left
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again