@Demented_Jokes: I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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@dafloydsta: [job interview] "What would you say is your greatest strength? I'm pretty humble. Actually, I'm incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
@trojansauce: [day after trying sushi for the first time] ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table* WIFE: this isn't cooke- ME: it's sushi, susan