@Demented_Jokes: I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@GrrrRach: Operator: 999, emergency services. Which service do you require? Me: Oh! Don't mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.
@scottthetwat: The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement won't be able to sleep for a very long time.
@scenesfromahat: As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
@Vodkantots: "How much for the supermodel?" *winks seductively "Ma'am, that's a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke."