I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
life finds a way
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.