@OVLH: I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
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@Black__Elvis: For years I thought that my wife was repulsed by me but as it turns out she just doesn't put out on the first marriage.
@: I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like--it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
@clevinniej: Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today... Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything...*