I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.