So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Finished stitching this today 😇
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Born to be mild.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?