@AGreaterMonster: I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@BubbleNuggets2u: I could've sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on... Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it
@AndyAsAdjective: Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN'T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
@rachelle_mandik: Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn't be so angry.
@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.