@AGreaterMonster: I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.
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@CliffDuffy: Doctor: How did you get all those bruises? Me: Rough sex Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop Me: Talk to your nurse about that
@Brampersandon_: [Americas Got Talent] ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended* JUDGE (under his breath): how'd he do that
@TheTweetOfGod: All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?
@KalvinMacleod: My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.