Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
You Might Also Like
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️