I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
*exercises sarcastically*
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
#SCOTUS one-star review
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.