@collegefession: "I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there's no walk of shame I'm an early morning scholar #3.9GPA" - NSU
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@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy? Me: After lunch 4yo: I want lunch right now. I'm starving!! Me: We just ate breakfast 4yo: Starving!
@FinallyHeSleeps: Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom. Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
@iFluff8: Millions of people are killed every year because they didn't check behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.