Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
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Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute