@collegefession: "I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there's no walk of shame I'm an early morning scholar #3.9GPA" - NSU
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@stevemarriott: [McDonalds board meeting] CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
@AndrewNadeau0: HER: I think we should see other people. ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
@AllyBallyBeal: Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me Me: Really? Looks to me you should've been eating a hell of a lot more
@prtxt: Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.