@collegefession: "I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there's no walk of shame I'm an early morning scholar #3.9GPA" - NSU
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@robyn_vo: People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
@CptBombs75: Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I'm not a chick so this won't get 624 faves
@_coryrichardson: [getting my daughter her first piñata] daughter: *excited* omg i love unicorns do i get to keep it me: no *hands her bat* you have to beat it with this
@PastorBate: Dear diary, Sometimes it just seems like I can't tell if something is an inanimate object or a person My therapist: Yes that's quite clear