Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
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(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.