@QwertyJones3: I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
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@briangaar: I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old
@JaneBadall: The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
@waydybee: Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
@david8hughes: [identifying body] Cop: this him? Me: yea Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh Me: yea Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation