I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
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The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.