I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Nose
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